prologue

Name: Sajeetha
life is for living, need i say more?

*loves:
the family, him, them; my friends
anything arty farty, the literary arts, theatre
dolphins
travelling, always unfolding something new
dining in places with ambience to kill for (it's a hobby.hah)
r etail therapy
all things indian
enlightening conversations
candles
angels, fairie,pixies, gnomes, smurfs(br>

*loathes:
the one who stabs u in ur back
death of dear ones
all that flies or has wings
the complications of all types of relationships
not knowing
those who try so hard to be me

red/purple crumpler bag
new urban male jersey
new birks
that oh-so-gorgeous watch from esprit
that beautiful converse bag
a white i-pod nano
that new dgital camera which screams buy-me!
the bikini from billabong
a new pair of funky spectacles
truckloads of best-selling novels
a whole new art materials collection
a new wallet that fits the enormous card collection of mine

nady,the sweetie pie
vicky, the blur sotong
charlotte,the doctor in the making
sivanes, the smart-ass cuzzin
LV, the gorgeous pearly
sarah, the clubbing chica
sujatha, the indian actress look alike
nadia ameera, the lost pri sch mate who was found
lynette, the sports fanatic
hemma, the evil twin
vanessa, popular for all the wrong reasons

express

 

Foto Decadent
 

July 2005[x] August 2005[x] September 2005[x] October 2005[x] November 2005[x] December 2005[x] February 2006[x] March 2006[x] April 2006[x] May 2006[x] June 2006[x] July 2006[x] August 2006[x] September 2006[x] October 2006[x] November 2006[x] December 2006[x] January 2007[x]

it's really frustrating how your emotions play with your mind. today, u can be so mad at someone and tomorrow, all you can do is love him more than yesterday. and i too, am no exception of being spared from such emotional fluctuations. it's wearing me out. seriously.

last night, i was THIS close to asking for a break up cos i just couldn't handle the ridiculous issues that came up between guna and myself but today, after all the reasoning out and clarifications and alot of soul searching, i've come to a point of realisation that he's probably the best i've ever gotten and will ever get in a long, long time to come. his high threshold for patience, is truly a virtue and i didn't deserve it. not one bit. uh-uh.

yes, the reason behind the argument last night was without a doubt, him but i blew it out of proportion, pushed him beyond his limits and yet he never lost his cool. i saw a monster in myself last night, a vision i nvr thought i cld ever conjure up and it scared me. scared me because i'm slowly realising i'm not that great a girlfriend as i thought i was. i am temperamental, petty, egoistic, highly critical, unreasonable, demanding and the list cld go on. god, i suck. and despite all the madness and shit i put him through, he never once wanted to call it quits. never once wanted to walk away from this whole thing. he never once pinpointed my flaws. never once complained that he didn't like what i was doing. never once used my weaknesses against me. never ever denied me the way i wanted to live. and these cold, hard facts makes me cringe at myself in disgust.

in my relationship with senthil, it was clear who was the better one. me. but with guna, no matter what others say i know that he is indeed, the better half.

and today, i feel like i have never felt before. that i was not worthy of him, his love and this relationship. yes, this comes from a girl who thinks that no guy is worth her love and even if they do, not all of it.

i've asked for a temporary break with him. no, not because i didn't love him but becaused i loved him much more than i cared to realise. i needed to curb my temper, cos it has belittled him in such ways that cannot be explained. i needed to learn to be tolerant of others' and their habits. i needed to give him back what he truly deserves and until i can, i'm not going to hold him back with me.

- wishing i'll become who i want to be much faster than i desire. i hope i make it through -

Sunday, June 25, 2006
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i am in such a rage that i cld burn a town with my eyes. yes, that's how mad i am with him! argh!

you are ALWAYS nonchalant, even though it's a serious problem.
you RUN away from reality, you are a coward.
you are always RIGHT and it's always me whose being unreasonable and petty.
you are NEVER emotional, or even anywhere near that so much so tt sometimes i think you're a STONE.
you NEVER share your worries or troubles with me because u claim u're not the type to express your feelings. then why the hell am i here for?
you are ALWAYS saying sorries. pls! they are so overrated when they come from you.
you are always tired and have no time for ME but i wonder how u can find the time for your friends in an instance.
you always meet when YOU can make it but never ask if I could.
you take me for GRANTED because i am always at your disposal.

it's always about YOU, YOU,YOU!!

i am so sick of it!
so sick that i'm coming to think that i've had enough of you!

Friday, June 23, 2006
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i've decided that i am not gonna make blogging a daily or weekly affair anymore. i'm only gonna indulge in this sin if need be, or if there are some very disturbing, pleasant or interesting issues that i wanna share with you. gross, even. haha. anyway i'm pretty convinced that neither one of you wanna read entries on what i do in my-oh-so-quite-boring-life right?

i swear i used to be able to pen my thoughts down better but for some strange reason, i can't seem to express myself as adequately as i'd like to. i think that's pretty weird, ironic even when i thought i had a pretty avid lingusitic ability, and here i am, STUCK!

oh, and something for you to ponder abt. why do people have online journals? or diaries as some call it. it's an oxymoron, i tell you. basically, we want an audience. yep.we're screaming out to the world; 'pls come in, come on and take a look at MY life, my innermost thoughts (or more like how we'd like, YOU, the audience to perceive our inner-most thoughts). i admit, not everything in this site is me. well, maybe to some extent it is but then i ask, who the hell is me? when am I seriously me? questions that i honestly don't have an answer to, still. i think what i'm trying to point out is, when you know you have people reading your crap, you tend to shape your entries and sometimes, you disregard so many issues, you become insensitive, rude and arrogant. i know i get like that. sometimes.

we've discussed this a couple of times and yes, no doubt many controversial episodes have churned out due to my need to express and i still feel the need to. to say things, to be my own producer of sorts. it calms me down, i suppose..writing. i know for a fact that i'm much more expressive when i put pen to paper or in this case, finger to the keyboard. ask me to open my mouth and tell you what exactly's on my mind, touch chance i'll tell you the absolute truth. aren't we all the same?

blogging. as long as you have an audience, you will keep the entires coming simply because it's flattering to know that people pay attention to what you have to say. even if it's freaking load of crap, half the time. heh.

Friday, June 23, 2006
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The Real Trouble With Love

is when women do everything and anything for men. Fortunately, not all women are this dumb now but I still do know a few personally, who talk and yakk abt nothing but men, men, men and how deprieved they are if they do not have one by their side. I've got only one word for em. Read my lips; S-H-A-L-L-O-W! Right, I shall not sidetrack. Or you can say, there are not many marriagable women left.

I watched 'Find Me Guilty' a few months back. In the film, the lead actor's wife will visit him in prison after a very, very long time because his mother died. And she loved him, he loved her. Then she blew up. Why did he need the whores? More girls? When she did everything for him, never turned him down even if it made her feel pathetic the very next day?
And he says, he is a man.

I really do understand it now. This is adding on to my distaste for the opposite gender, I tell you. Most men think I am hard up for stability. Security. Looking for a man who can provide. I'm telling you - the only stability you can ever find is in yourself. It's NEVER in another person.
WHY?
Because people change. This guy once asked me if I ever knew him, or do I only know the man I have created out of him. I told him, it didn't matter. You can be one person today and someone else entirely, tomorrow.

I am not a feminist, really. I mean I do believe women are as competent as the males but I do believe that there are gender roles, that are maybe less clearly defined now - but are there still anyway. Whether u like it or not. And I do not fit the bill. I am not willing to suffer for a man (not anymore after all those years). Why should I restrict my life for a man? WHAT is a man? Why does he think of himself so great?
Women are more educated now, they contribute to the household, bear children and on top of that they have to look good while doing it just so their husbands don't fool around. It's sheer nonsense. Why make life difficult as it already is?

Why get married? That's a loserish idea. Haha.

And then there are those women, who throw themselves at married men. I don't get it. Then again, maybe I am born fortunate cos such things nvr happened in my family so I do not understand enough abt it.

I am no longer bothered abt thwarted people.
I am 22 this year. Life begins now. My philosophy's changed; There are only 2 things for me now.
What I want. And how I willl get it.

P/S: I am still very much in a r'ship with Guna and yes, I am happy. This entry does not reflect on anything to do with it yea? Just a random thought that popped up in my head.

Monday, June 05, 2006
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as it reads, change, it's constant - and it's probably time to accept it. life still goes on......

Thursday, June 01, 2006
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it's raining and i'm simply too lazy to get my fat ass up for tuition so i'm resorting to sitting on my bed and typing yet another entry.

anyway, did i mention that i met up with senthil last friday for lunch? it was his 23rd birthday and we made plans to meet up for a couple of hours before he continues with other plans. the night before we had a very emotional conversation which brought me back to where we started. he still very much has the ability to make me laugh and cry, and to make me wanna run back to him. but i'm not going to stumble this time ard. not because i don't want to but because i can't. too much has happened. isn't it so sad? don't get me wrong. i'm not settling for guna. i love him but the fact that i will never love him as much as i loved senthil, will remain in time to come. it' a good yr and a half ever since our breakup but nothing much has changed. old habits dies hard, don't they? i'm a living example.

lunch was at 'essential brew' and dessert over at 'haagen daaz'. it was probably the best lunch i've had in months. with senthil, everything seems so light and easy. so carefree and happy but it's ironic how i hardly felt tt way when we were in a relationship.

senthil has changed in a lot of ways. some for the better and some for the worse. he has become more patient these days. alot wiser as well and maybe even matured. but then again, he always was. he remains hilarious though but he smokes now. like a chimney and it was quite heartbreaking to see him like that. oh well, that's not for me to worry abt anymore. it's up to his gf. in a very subtle sorta way, i am jealous of her and i secretly wish that they'll not work out but i know i'm dreaming. well, u can't blame me. after all, he was my first love and of 5 years. it's really not easy letting go of everything when the both of us are still very much a part of each other's lives.

before i knew it, it was time to go. the hug before he left, said a lot of things that needn't be mentioned out loud. in my heart i knew that the bond we share, it'll remain for a long, long time and senthil will always be a person i cherish and treasure.

- relationships die, love doesn't -

Thursday, June 01, 2006
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in the cab, on our way into sentosa; just before getting all wet and salty. heh.

Thursday, June 01, 2006
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i'm too lazy to type abt our kayaking adventure so i'll just post up the pics yea? that's guna, YOURS TRULY, retna and her boyfriend, dinesh; over at siloso beach after a fun-filled day of kayaking.

Thursday, June 01, 2006
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It's really easy for everyone to whine and complain abt how miserable their lives are, when compared to those of a friend or fellow colleague or even some random aquaintace down the street. That is precisely why it's my turn now. So I wld appreciate it if u cld bear with my ramblings for I'm in a sombre mood right now.

When i come across some of my friend's lives and see them having fun in abundance, without a single care in the world and of course, without any curfews, it makes me so enraged. Not with them, no. Not with myself but with the way I was brought up. As protected as one can ever be.

It sure is ironic how some people's lives are like heaven while yours turns out like erm, let me contemplate. What precise adjective can i use? Restricted, uptight, shitified maybe? It makes you want to break free from all that suffocation; parents, responsibilities, duties, peer pressure and bla, bla, bla. Why can't we fling all our perturbing issues away and saunter down the road with our most favourite girlish pinky handbag at 12 midnite with absolutely no qualms ? Alright, that sounded a wee bit bimbotic but u get what I mean, don't you? These things abt, u are a girl and u're not allowed to do this or that makes me cringe. Whoever came up with that law?!

Some of my friends do want to let their parents know abt where they are going and what they are really doing but the thought of their parents non-exhaustive list of interogative questions makes them do otherwise. Makes them take the easier way out, choose the most convenient option. LIE! I confess, I too have been through that phase of life and still succumb to such measures but u have no idea how much I hate doing it. But I'm just left with no other choice. On the other hand, when I consider the hundreds out there who come from worse situations then I do, yes, I am thankful for the things I have or the leeway that my parents grant me at times.

While I say all these things to console myself, I really wonder -What is it that makes me happy? I am hardly cognisant of the answer.

I'm a young girl who likes pretty stuff. Ok fine, not so young but young enought to want to live life to the fullest. Likewise, I like being pampered but then again, who doesn't. Well, let me just say (haha). Yea, I like eating good food, it delights me. I like being in the presence of a good company, it makes me feel good. I do not mind innocent flirting. It gives me a sense of upperhand although I don't seem like a person who'll like it. And do not speak as you like or judge me on what you read. I ain't no bitch!! Do take note. Yes, thank you! How many of us are our usual selves and do not feel a thing when a hot hunk converses with you? Bingo. Hahaha!

Writing gives me bliss. I just feel indulged in a world of my own where I leave my trepidations, apprehensiveness and torments all drowning.

So long loves...

Thursday, June 01, 2006
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