prologue

Name: Sajeetha
life is for living, need i say more?

*loves:
the family, him, them; my friends
anything arty farty, the literary arts, theatre
dolphins
travelling, always unfolding something new
dining in places with ambience to kill for (it's a hobby.hah)
r etail therapy
all things indian
enlightening conversations
candles
angels, fairie,pixies, gnomes, smurfs(br>

*loathes:
the one who stabs u in ur back
death of dear ones
all that flies or has wings
the complications of all types of relationships
not knowing
those who try so hard to be me

red/purple crumpler bag
new urban male jersey
new birks
that oh-so-gorgeous watch from esprit
that beautiful converse bag
a white i-pod nano
that new dgital camera which screams buy-me!
the bikini from billabong
a new pair of funky spectacles
truckloads of best-selling novels
a whole new art materials collection
a new wallet that fits the enormous card collection of mine

nady,the sweetie pie
vicky, the blur sotong
charlotte,the doctor in the making
sivanes, the smart-ass cuzzin
LV, the gorgeous pearly
sarah, the clubbing chica
sujatha, the indian actress look alike
nadia ameera, the lost pri sch mate who was found
lynette, the sports fanatic
hemma, the evil twin
vanessa, popular for all the wrong reasons

express

 

Foto Decadent
 

July 2005[x] August 2005[x] September 2005[x] October 2005[x] November 2005[x] December 2005[x] February 2006[x] March 2006[x] April 2006[x] May 2006[x] June 2006[x] July 2006[x] August 2006[x] September 2006[x] October 2006[x] November 2006[x] December 2006[x] January 2007[x]

It's rather late and I can't get to sleep so I figured I might as well update my blog. Well, the last few days have been quite monotonous - tuitions, sch, slacking and back except for the part where I went to visit Teeb's really adorable new born nephew.

After econs lecture on Wednesday, I headed down to Jelita to get tickets for "Disney on Ice" with Senthil. It had been awhile since we hung out and he suggested accompanying me to get the tickets afterwhich I headed on down to Teeb's place at Queenstown and he, over to Commonwealth to play soccer with his friends. Since we were both heading the same way, I thought we might as well meet up. And so we did.

It's been some time since we last met. So much has happened. So much has changed. Both of us have got our new partners and were leading our own lives, yet there was never a day we never spoke. Everything feels so strange. Never did I imagine calling him my ex-bf, never did I imagine him confiding in me abt his new found relationship and me abt, Guna, never did I imagine we'd be civilized enough to come to terms with our break up and end up being best friends. As I think abt it as I type this entry, everything that's happened feels so surreal *sigh*.

We got the tickets and sat to have dinner at Jelita's Pizza Hut while we opened up abt our new other halves. Something abt the way he called HER 'my girlfriend' made my stomach churn. I tried to ignore the feeling but it refused to go away. Then, he showed me a picture of themselves which they took recently. Nope, he isn't insensitive. I asked for it though I know I shouldn't have. And my worst fears were realised - she was absolutely pretty. Very, very pretty if I say so myself, though at the bottom of my heart I so badly want to deny that hurtful fact. She was the total opposite of me. Slim, fair, gorgeous pair of eyes, beautiful smile and a perfect cut of face. All I wanted at that point of time, was to drop dead but of course, that was impossible. I kept a subtle smile plastered to my face and struggled to comment. In the end I came up with - "She's really sweet. You guys look great together" and I meant every word I said. Indeed, they looked perfect together.

He managed back a smiled and took the photo back from my hands. I told myself that I could do it, that I was strong enough to fight back the urge of crumbling but I failed. Failed terribly. My strength gave way and my tears took over. I tried to stop them from flowing but they refused. Just then, he took my hand and said the perfect words I needed to hear - "You know that u are the most beautiful woman inside out to me and no matter how pretty you may think she is, she can never be you. You know that she's an option only because you left and there is noone who can take ur place". I don't know if it was right of him to have said that, or right of me to even have expected him to console me in that manner but it felt like the only right thing at that point of time. Everything else felt so, so wrong.

You know, I really do hope that noone wld have to go through what I'm going through in my life right now. Knowing that your loved one is right beside you and not being able to have him is the worst feeling in the world. It can kill, it's that fatal and I think I'm dying day by day. I pretend to to be strong, I act as if everything is going on fine and that I'm taking it all in my stride but that's not the truth. That's utter bullshit.

I am fine but not happy. Just fine. I like Guna, alot, but do I love him the way I love Senthil? That question, is yet to be answered. Sometimes, I fool myself into believing that it's love with him but at other times, it feels more like affection. I smile but not from the heart, it's forced. The saddest part is that I never realised all these until I met him yesterday. I thought I had it going for me. I thought I was finally free from all the emotional trauma only to realise that it was simply buried, not thrown away. God, I'm going crazy! Somebody help me sort my thoughts!

After dinner, the journey back to our destinations was rather silent. Neither one of us said much. I didn't talk abt Guna as much as he did abt Rani. I asked him questions but he didn't. It's not as if Guna needed any introduction. They knew one another way back and I also knew that if given a chance, Senthil would want Guna dead so it was better remaining quiet abt him. He did attempt trying to look interested when I spoke abt Guna though but after being with him for 5 years, his mask, slips away from me. I can see through him as if he were transparent. He was the least bothered and I knew he was feeling jealous...

At the MRT station, as we were abt to head into different directions, he gave me a huge hug before saying good bye and that brought about another chain of reactions. This time, I hugged him back tight and squeezed my eyes shut for the fear of crying, once again. The security I felt with that hug, felt all so familiar. Just where has life brought me to? Why do these horrible, horrible things only happen to me? All I asked is to live a happy life with the one I truly love, was that too much to ask for?


I second the saying - Life is unfair!

As we said our byes and were abt to leave, he smiled sadly which tugged at my heartstrings and I walked away as fast as I could cos it wasn't much longer before I said or did something really stupid like - 'Let's just get back together. I don't care abt what's gonna happen".

It's painful when you leave someone not because you didn't love him/her anymore but because you had to for reasons you can't fight against.

I realized after yesterday that I had always lived a sheltered and protected life. I never knew what it was like to fall really hard and pick myself up. This is my first fall and it's a mighty fall, which I might have difficulty getting used to but sooner or later, I will. I'm picking up the pieces, still am. I'm guessing it's gonna take a while more but I will do it. I have to, simply because this is life, and it's meant to be lived. Simply because there is another person in my life who is waiting to give me all his love and is hoping for an opportunity from me.

As for Senthil, he's going to be remaining as the same special person he always was in my life and nothing or noone can ever change that and I'm thankful for Guna for coming to terms with that fact and having a big heart to understand and accept it.

I've surprised myself along the way with alot of things I've said and done, some of which I've even remotely dreamt of but I have. Seeing Senthil with another girl by his side besides me and accepting the fact, is a perfect example. I never thought I'd be able to do it but time made it possible. I'm choosing to believe that one day, I'll be whole heartedly in love with Guna and Senthil will no longer have the effect to make me cry but till then, this is how things are gonna be.

Time heals what reason can't.

- I want back my smile on my face -

Friday, March 10, 2006
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