prologue

Name: Sajeetha
life is for living, need i say more?

*loves:
the family, him, them; my friends
anything arty farty, the literary arts, theatre
dolphins
travelling, always unfolding something new
dining in places with ambience to kill for (it's a hobby.hah)
r etail therapy
all things indian
enlightening conversations
candles
angels, fairie,pixies, gnomes, smurfs(br>

*loathes:
the one who stabs u in ur back
death of dear ones
all that flies or has wings
the complications of all types of relationships
not knowing
those who try so hard to be me

red/purple crumpler bag
new urban male jersey
new birks
that oh-so-gorgeous watch from esprit
that beautiful converse bag
a white i-pod nano
that new dgital camera which screams buy-me!
the bikini from billabong
a new pair of funky spectacles
truckloads of best-selling novels
a whole new art materials collection
a new wallet that fits the enormous card collection of mine

nady,the sweetie pie
vicky, the blur sotong
charlotte,the doctor in the making
sivanes, the smart-ass cuzzin
LV, the gorgeous pearly
sarah, the clubbing chica
sujatha, the indian actress look alike
nadia ameera, the lost pri sch mate who was found
lynette, the sports fanatic
hemma, the evil twin
vanessa, popular for all the wrong reasons

express

 

Foto Decadent
 

July 2005[x] August 2005[x] September 2005[x] October 2005[x] November 2005[x] December 2005[x] February 2006[x] March 2006[x] April 2006[x] May 2006[x] June 2006[x] July 2006[x] August 2006[x] September 2006[x] October 2006[x] November 2006[x] December 2006[x] January 2007[x]

Argh! Assignments are doing me damage and its just a matter of hours before I totally collapse from sheer exhaustion! HR project is done and over with and I dun even wanna go there anymore. But seriously, Lynette didn't deserve all that she did from we-all-know-who. The audicity! Well, I guess friends don't always make the best working partners.

I'm loving my OTD group though. Very, very efficent and somehow, I don't feel as stressed as I did for the other assignments but then again, its because its made up of the 'Famous 6'. How can we possibly go wrong!

Alright, I'm gonna stop talking abt projects for once and go on to say how much I love my dad! Yes, after a tiresome day last night I went back home only to receive a pleasant surprise from daddy dearest - he bought me one of the phones from the La Armor Collection and had put it on my table with a note that read 'Surprise! Love, Dad!'

Awwwww, sometimes I really wish I cld get him cloned and marry him instead. It'll make my life so much more easier and of course, blissful but then again, it's wishful thinking on my part. That's not gonna happen and I gotta live with it. My mum's really lucky *envious*! And really, not everyone is blessed with such a loving husband and father. That means, I am really lucky too. In alot of ways, I would have never been what I am without my dad's guidance and support and there is nothing that I've asked and he's said no. Well, almost nothing. Senthil was that ONE thing he violently objected to and though I hated him for ruining my life at that point of time, after a year I'm starting to believe that it was probably for my own good after all.

No, I'm not saying Senthil was a mistake. He will never be. I loved him and my precious 5 years with him. Those memories, can never be replaced nor will they be regretted. But sometimes, when u grow older, the same things you held tight to your life you start to let go... because... simply, just because. There isn't one particular reason...

Oh well, it's all good.

Life's not that bad after all!

P/S: Daddy, you never fail to bring a smile to my face. I love you!

Friday, March 31, 2006
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Sunday was a blast @ Sivan's! Her pre-birthday 'surprise' party! Again, photo ripped from none other than the b'day gal herself!

Wednesday, March 29, 2006
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I was contemplating if I should actually publish this post, then I told myself -'What the hell? It's my blog and I'm entitled to write anything I want to and when I mean ANYTHING, I mean ANYTHING (but of course, not in anyway abusing the blog regulations)'!

The bond with the 'Agni Girls' has came to an end. Full-stop.Period.Nada.Zilch. It's so O-V-E-R! I would very much like to write in details as to what brought about the end to the once, very beautiful friendship but then again, some things are best kept personal. What pains me is the fact that I have been judged based on speculations and speculations alone, and not cold, concrete facts. And not being given the chance to explain, that hurts even more. Even an accused in the court is given a chance to explain himself before the judge decides on his verdict. But unfortunately, here in reality, people don't usually bother about fairness. WTF? I thought they were my friends but it's only now that I realise that we were just mere aquaintances or rather I was just a convenient aquaintance. From the recent happenings and really nasty MSN nicknames directed at me, I am totally convinced that the 'main culprit' of this mess meant more than I probably did, to the other two.

And telling me that I lied, that is total bull. I merely stated facts which were a necesity during the course of conversation with Karthik if we were to find the ultimate truth. When in the world did my mum call you repeatedly to talk on your behalf? And u were ignoring her calls? Oh come on, who comes up with shit like that? This is what YOUR trusted source told me, which of course was a splendid story spun by you. Now, won't that make you a remarkable liar too? No wonder you're in the media. Your exceptional acting skills have yet again helped you in the course of your life!

And if that wasn't enough, you turned my friends against me too! Wow, sympathy votes eh? By enacting the story before anyone could so that you'll be seen as the victim? How shallow can you be? So much for keeping things btw you and him when the entire world seem's to be engulfed in your PATHETIC love traingle! U tell me, how did Raj know then huh? You guys share some kind of telepathy? Wow, amazing bond u share there. I'm impressed!

I could go on and on and on and this entry will prob go a good 1000 words long but after days, the pain, hurt, hatred and frustrations aren't that bad anymore so it's gonna more subtle.

I wanted to help you because I knew just how painful it was to be in your situation cos I've been through that kinda emotional shit once and the amount of time it takes you to get back on your feet is probably one of the longest. I wanted to be there. I wanted to help you take your first step. I wanted to be a friend and console you. But now, I am disgusted with myself for even wanting to be there. You didn't deserve any of my sympathy at all. Ah-ah, not a single bit! Maybe you shouldn't even have gotten me involved in your mess the first time. Am I the one who called you early in the morn to talk just because you saw her letters and cards to him and was feeling terrible? Am I the one who called each time you find out new evidenced that he was into her? It was YOU wasn't it, who kept needing my listening ear and attention? It was YOU who said I would have an influence over her to ask her to keep her distance away from him. It was YOU, YOU, YOU! You bloody hell got me involved and just when it was convenient for you to turn the tables against me, you did. How your true colours show! Ingrate!

If you have so much to complain against me, I have an equal amount as well but like I mentioned earlier, I'm not as shallow as you. I would have gone around bitching about you if I was the old me, but I'm older and matured now. Not the impulsive Sajeetha I once was, so you be glad you're having it your way. We'll see just how long the ball lies in your court! For a start, for all the drama about keeping things between us, you could have shut your gap about the stuff we discussed but you simply couldn't. Now, doesn't that make you a scheming traitor? You see, I can call you alot of names given the circumstances but if I did, there ain't gonna be a difference between YOU and ME!

I am not bothered with my friendship coming to an end with you. That's prob the last thing on my mind. But the other 2, that hurts cos I just lost wonderful people due to your selfishness in wanting to get the whole world into you mess. I am pretty sure angelicscars is in your side cos it's very evident that her MSN nick is meant for me. As for the other one, I'm assuming she's on your side too. Well, THANK YOU. It couldn't have been possible without YOUR contributions.

Maybe the 4 of us might have a confrontation one of these days but if that day comes, I will not be joining them. There is no need for me to prove my innocence and anyway, the damage is done. You have already (mis)judged me w/o me even explaining. That pretty much goes to show just how much of confidence you have in me, so why bother now that the verdict has been given. I don't need friends like this. Not now, not ever.

Like Prabhuraj said, don't live for the evil world. If you know you're right, truth will come into light itself w/o you having to fight for it. So I'm gonna leave it this way.

Today, marks the end of my relationship with the 'Agni Girls'. Fond memories will remain.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006
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25.03.2006

I splurged like ccccrrrrrraaaaazzzziiiiieeeeee! Ratna and I did some shopping on Saturday and I seriously burnt a HUMONGOUS hole in my pocket. I thought I had spent only about 200 bucks for all my stuff but when I got back home and did some real calculations I realised tt I had spent $435 in all and for a moment I thought I had lost my sanity. And all this was done solely in 'Bugis Village', so u can imagine the amount of clothes, bag, shades, shoes and earrings I had bought! Gosh, I'm an impulsive shopper and I seriously I think I need some theraphy. No, not retail theraphy u moron! Theraphy to counter my 'shopping binge' problem!

But now that it's been a few days, I am coming to terms with the fact tt I'm not that insane after all and hey, after a hard day of work (i have 3 tuition kids, whom i teach 6 days of my week after sch by forsaking my social life) i should pamper myself a little at least. So my splurge on Saturday has been justified * agree?*

Ratna is a great shopping khaki and I've made a mental note to go shopping with her the next time. But then again, its M-A-D-N-E-S-S when 2 impulsive shoppers shop together. They might end up buying the whole shopping centre *lol* Anyway, this would only mean, strictly 'NO SHOPPING' for a good few months (if i can resist the urge, that is). But I've still got a handful of stuff I wanna get, like that pair of turquoise heels at Nine West, which apparently is still going at $165, the purple/red crumpler bag, my white hawainas which was stolen (damn the pea-brain!), an i-pod nano, a new digital camera, stuff from IKEA for my room, dad, mum and sis's birthday presents (they're all born in April, how annoying!) and Guna's b'day present as well (May 3rd)!

That's it! I'm a 'certified pichaikaari' next month onwards!

Wednesday, March 29, 2006
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At Billy Bombers (from left to right): Shant, Bhavana, me, Kamz.And erm, yeah u can order either one of us and take us away. Muahahah! Ok, how lame was that!

Wednesday, March 29, 2006
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22.03.2006

Wednesdays are usually my 'days off' from the overloaded schedule which I have (grudgingly) created for myself. Right after PM lecture at 12pm, I headed towards Marsling to meet up with Vanessa and then head on down to Thana's place. Plans to catch up with her never succeeded, mainly because the both of us are busier than bees (rolls eyes) and I thought Wednesday was a good day to finally make it come true. Thus, I never made plans with her earlier or whatsoever (since it gets cancelled anyway). I simply decided to drop by her place randomly without any notice. I might as well give her a pleasant (i hope) surprise since she was flying off to Aussie next mth anyway. So I got Vanessa to be my accomplice and she, of course, being the ultimate true friend she is, agreed without hesitation.

And when we finally got to Thana's place, she practically screamed (in happiness) of course upon seeing 'yours truly. Haha! But of course, she wasn't looking her best cos she had just woken up! Hahahaha, got her at the peeerrrfect time eh? So while she took her shower and all, both Vanessa and I made ourselves at home, raided her fridge, helped ourselves to all the food we could find and stacked up the cushions on her sofa to watch some hindi movie which Nessa brought along. Then Vee (Thana's younger sis, whom I have to mention,was absolutely gorgeous) joined us and we had an awesome foursome just by being at home. How cool is that?! So much of gossips, serious talk, love consultations and what not!

At least I got to see her before she leaves cos I really can't be too sure when's the next time we'd both be free. The next I'd prolly see her would be at the airport when she's flying off I guess (mental note: april 12th)!

Then I rushed down to Jurong Point to meet Shant and Kamz for dinner. Yep, 2 mini-reunions in a day. Full utilization of the day, I should say. Haha! Shant was driving, so she fetched me halfway through the journey and we both came back to my place first before meeting up with Kamz for she'd be late after her tution. Shant always has got cool stuff to update me with and she in turn thinks I should be a clown cos I always crack her up with my stories and (according to her) hilarious gestures. She claims tt all she needs is me and she wouldn't fall sick in this lifetime (laughter is the best medicine? rings a bell? yea). Well, at least I am of some use to somebody. Heh!

Kamz came, finally. At 8pm to be precise. Both Shant & myself were starving so we decided to dine at 'Billy Bombers' while Kamz decided to skip anything that was too oily or fried or came in large portions (which was abt all that they served). That woman is absurd! She is already SOOOO tiny and when she does things like that, it makes the both of us feel like some glutton (which is rather true in some ways *plam slaps forehead*)! Some really upsetting shit happened during dinner but I would rather not explain it in here for I dunno which KAYPO or UNWANTED ASSHOLE is keeping tabs on my blog! Anyway, it has been cleared and things are back to normal so yeah, we shall just leave it at that. Just then Bhav (another friend of ours), happened to call Shant and self-invited herself for dinner with us. Hahaha! Well, the more the merrier so we said, sure why not?

Bhav is worse than me! If Shant calls me a clown then just what is Bhavana? Oh my god, she is the epitome of H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S but sure, she was almost a replica of me when it came to our personalities. Errr, both our boyfriends even look alike, are in the same aviation industry and are skinner than us! Muahahahah!

We had great fun but Shant said she is never gonna have the both of us together at any one point of time anymore cos we create too much of an emotional distress to the public (whatever she means) or so she claims. Hmpf!

There came the end to my oh-so-fun Wednesday! Back to dreaded school the next day! Oh man! * frowns*

Wednesday, March 29, 2006
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- ripped off from sivan's blog. a summary of tt day -

Tuesday, March 28, 2006
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Later at Swensen's for dessert - Guest appearance by none other than mister.gunaraj himself. hee! 

Tuesday, March 21, 2006
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Nope, I didn't drink that. Was simply using it just to pose for the picture k? No silly feelings. Heh! 

Tuesday, March 21, 2006
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Lekshmi, Sivan & myself - females of the Renga's Clan (cousin's from mum's side of the family). 

Tuesday, March 21, 2006
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Some of the members of the Renga's Clan over at Marche for a scumptious lunch! 

Tuesday, March 21, 2006
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Err, that was ripped off from Sivan's blog but I'm pretty sure she won't mind. Right after the play, outside National Library's Drama Centre. Army Daze rawked baybeh! 

Tuesday, March 21, 2006
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A week has almost passed and I've done my disappearing act once again. This week has been so exhausting, both physical and mentally. Let me see, I last stopped my entry on Tuesday. Ahhh, so that would mean I wld need to update from Wednesday onwards.

Right, Wednesday's Prices & Market lecture was cancelled and Kumaran was on leave. What does that mean? It means that he was gonna rent a car, drive down to my place, fetch me to PSB Academy to drop Guna's dip application and then fetch Sivan from her workplace to Nava aunty's house for lunch. Foo, that was a mouthful. Haha! Coming back to the story, Nava aunt's cooking was D-E-L-I-C-I-O-U-S! I had a great lunch with Hema, Divya, Sivan, Kumaran and Nava aunty herself. It was too bad that Sivan had to go back to work for her lunch break was over and while Kumaran went to send her back, I had a wonderful tete a tete with Div, Hema and Nava aunty. I really felt so at home and Div is so damn smart for her age, the way she speaks. She reminds me of Deepa at several instances and Hema, she's like me. Almost exactly like me, to be exact. Cool!

After sending Sivan off, Kumaran drove all of us to his place where I had more food. My aunts are all great at stuffing their neices and nephews with food! Heh! Anyway, by 7 it was time for me to head back but I really din want to cos I was having so much fun with them but oh well, there was a place called home where I had to return.

Was a splendid day in all. Loved it! Sivan's maternal side have always been FUN anyway! What was I expecting? :P

Well, I spent most of Thursday morning and afternoon with Guna cos he was on MC and after that, rushed down to SIM to have a meeting with the SIM director for an interview regarding my internship application. See, the good news is that I was one of the 5 shortlisted candidates of the 70 who applied for STA Travels. The bad news is that there were only 3 places available and the 5 of us will be fighting for it. The chances of me being one of them? I really have no idea though the director seemed very positive abt my application but I'm not putting too much of hopes into it. Don't want to be disappointed, you see *keeping my fingers crossed*. Pray for me ya'll, won't you?

Friday was awesome! I went to catch a play with Sivan, called the 'ARMY DAZE' and if you ask me, I'll watch it a more few hundreds of time. It was absolutely funny and ruthelessly Singaporean and is also the first production which used Singlish so liberally. It certainly did cater to our Singaporean lifestyle and I'm pretty sure, some of the men who came to watch wld have identified with some of the characters as well! Notice the exclamation marks in my sentences? That shld tell you how much I loved the play. Micheal Chiang deserves a pat on his back for the wonderful playwright and the cast, a thumbs up! Though everyone was remarkable in their own ways, I do have to admit tt, without Kumar (Ra-Ra Kumar), the play wouldn't have been a hit. He was that ONE essential ingredient who made a VERY BIG difference in 'Army Daze'. He, is a man of oooozing talent and of course, humour! Let's admit it! But then again, I've always had a thing for him eversince I was young. For those of who you have read my friendster profile, you'll know.

Anyway, the production was a blast and paying $58 bucks for it, was nothing compared to the amount of fun I had watching it. Agree, Sivan?

And while we were discussing abt Kumar over dinner at Swensen's after the play, Sivan and I came up with an interesting theory. As we all know, Kumar is a drag queen and more recently is known to be a gay as well. Coming from a traditional Indian family, his dad could not accept the 'abnormal' truth abt his son and had severed ties with him. Then I asked Sivan, why does the dad care abt what the world is gonna say? Doesn't he care that it was what his son wanted to be and if he was happy, he should be happy with it as well? In reply, Sivan answered my question with another question - ' But is one person's happiness worth the sadness of a few others?'

Hmmm, food for thought. Pausing for a second or two, I replied that since she put it that way, there was nothing tt I cld say. And she spoke up again - "But then, if you keep caring about what the world has to say about you each time you do something, then u're never really living for yourself aren't you?" With that, we kinda switched to another topic w/o having a proper end to Kumar's life story. Haha. But hey, take a moment to stop and ponder abt our coversation. What will be your take on it? Will you sacrifice something for someone else's happiness, or wld you deem ur own happiness as more important? Are u living for yourself or simply for the world?

Think abt it, won't you?

P/S: Sivan, thanks for coming along with me for the play and of course, for the discounted tix with the help of ur card. It was memorable only because I had you for company. I hope you had as much fun as I did. More plays the next time ard? Love ya kid. Muacks!

Tuesday, March 21, 2006
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12.03.2006

Right, I am back from school and somehow the Monday blues weren't as bad as I thought it'd be. Even if it meant bringing the wrong set of notes to sch, then borrowing Hong Yan's and rushing down to the library to photocopy a set for myself and climbing 3 flights of stairs back since the lift was taking ages just to realise that the lecturer had re-printed that particular set of notes due to some changes and had given the class the new set.

But hey, when things are meant to go wrong, no matter what, they WILL go wrong. Besides school, tuition was quite productive too. And now, I am back home, keeping to my promise and am abt to blog abt my sunny Sunday.

Sivan & I had to go down to Wisma to get tickets for the upcoming play "Army Daze" and we thought we'd bring the younger cousins along to town since it was the holidays after all. In the end, it ended up with Kumaran, Lekshmi, Karthik, Saras, Sivan and myself. We had lunch @ Marche over some funny conversation and took lots of photos too (am waiting anxiously for Sivan to send them over to me -hint, hint). Kumaran, was clowning ard as usual, but that's nothing new, really. It was ALWAYS peals of laughter with him ard. He does the funniest things with the straightest of face and I really wonder how he does it. It's a skill, not everyone can master I conclude.

Just as we finished lunch, Guna joined us and we walked towards Swensen's for some ice-cream and slacking session. It was nice to him ard with my family and seeing how well they got along with him, made me smile. Esp Kumaran and him, since they were of the same age and were in the same camp as well. Yep, that was purely coincidental! Haha!

By the time we were done with pigging out, it was time for me to head back home cos my parents were waiting for me to have dinner. We were gg for seafood that night, and to chat over dinner since it's been a while since the whole family had dinner together due to all our busy schedules. Since family bonding was VERY important to dad, I'd decided I better get there in time instead of missing it.

Dinner was absolutely mouth-watering. I've never had such good seafood in a long while. Yes, that day was full of eating, eating and more eating. It's no wonder why I am still desperately trying to lose weight! Haha!

Anyway, it was a fun-filled Sunday in all and I can't wait for more of these outings to de-stress myself from my very-packed lifestyle!

Tuesday, March 14, 2006
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the neater version -heh! 

Tuesday, March 14, 2006
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us.us.and.more.us - absolute wackiness! And nope, I am not licking him or anything in the pic, I was biting his ear cos we were playing and that gundu took a shot w/o my knowledge (11.03.2006). 

Monday, March 13, 2006
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It's Monday and I'm seriously having the 'monday blues' symptoms which includes nausea, runny nose, loss of appetite, restlessness, allergy to notes, ignorance to schoolwork and lethargy!
Aaarrrggh! Maybe it's because I've had great fun the last 3 days that my brain's still not transited into the academic mode.

I could barely contain my excitement for "Disney on Ice' on Friday. It's my 3rd consecutive year watching it and I couldn't wait for the next one. Ratna, her little niece (aged 4), Deepa (my sis), Guna and myself reached the National Stadium at 8pm sharp, bought tidbits and settled down into our seats. The show, overall was definitely NOT up to my expectations since I've seen rather exceptional ones the years before. But hey, it was good entertainment and really, the skating skill - were excellent. So, they still get a huge thumbs up even though the storyline wasn't tt exciting. It was almost 11 plus when I reached home and I dropped flat on my bed, straight to dreamland until Guna's phonecall.

Saturday was supposed to be a very important day for both Guna & myself. Tho I hardly mentioned abt us having a bad time, the truth was, we were. For the last 2 weeks, it had been rather awkward for the both of us, our phone conversations were filled with silences which led to fewer calls, abrupt goodbyes at the end of it, unnecessary arguments and what not. I was left in a state of confusion simply because I didn't even know the reason behind the awkwardness. I thought my breakfast buying surprise and that weekend would have made up for everything else, but later I realied I was so wrong!

Now is when the phone call comes in. He called to ask if I had reached home and that's where it all started from. Suddenly, like a volcano, everything that he had kept in his heart flowed out - the fact tt he is still wasn't used to the fact that I was so busy I hardly had any time for him, every other person gets to see his gf (my friends and other male friends included) but not him, rushed phonecalls, Joe Black's decision to join me for my mandarin course and Senthil's innocent phonecalls and flirting and abt how he thought I didn't love him anymore, I was probably interested in someone else and the list went on. Whoa... now that was a shocker cos I was totally caught off guard by all the confessions. I seriously didn't know that these many things were bothering him. How ignorant, was I?

And so we spoke, and spoke and spoke till 3 am and I made sure he understood my point of view and I understood his. And we came to a compromise, quite willingly. Sigh, sometimes I feel like I've failed as a girlfriend. Why do I keep putting him at the bottom of my list even when I don't intend for that to happen? I feel that it's all got to do with my painful relationship with Senthil. After him, I don't quite dare to allow anyone come close to me emotionally, I've built a protective barrier ard me.I tell myself that I shouldn't let myself get too close to someone or else I might just get hurt like before. So I deem other things far important that my relationship but I fail to realise that in my course of selfishness, that this in itself will hurt me one day cos I'm pushing my loved one away from me in my quest to protect myself when in actualy fact, I want him close to me.

*mental note - stop being an ass! *

Saturday was THE day to make up for all lost time and to start everything afresh. And so we met up for the 'Date Movie', which was hilarious (the laughter did alot of gd, I tell you), and afterwhich, we travelled all the way down to Holland V for ice-cream at Haagen Daz, which brought abt lots of memories. Cos you see, the last time we went there was when we were platonic friends and now a year later, we come back as couple and that got us started on how we first knew each other and how things btw us blossomed to love. It was fun, taking a trip down memory lane. Those attached should try it once in awhile. Relive those times and you'll never know how much smiles and laughter it might bring you.

Just then, Guna came up with the weirdest suggestion - to take a trip down to NP and take pictures of all the spots which reminded us of US! Haha! Oh well, why not? It'd be fun and so we paid for the ice-cream and left for Ngee Ann Poly (where it all started. hahahahah). And so we started snapping the ICS room, Canteen 1, the back part of LT 73 A where he smokes discreetly with the rest of the ICS gang, Galileo Cafe where we had our first lunch after he confessed his feelings for me, the soccer field where he played soccer with the other guys and I watched with the girls, the netball court where we play netball with the ICS members in order to prepare for NUS's sports spectra and when he lent me his jersey cos my shirt was too short (hee) and so on.. Trust me, it was SOOOOO FUN! I had such a wonderful time that day, I almost lost track of time.

I was really glad that Saturday happened and we decided to make things right instead of keeping mum abt the whole things and pretending as if nothing ever happened. That wld have just worsened the situation and who knows, we might have called it quits. One thing I've learnt from the conversation on Friday night - effective communication plays a huge part in a relationship and if you don't have that, pls do something abt it. It has the power to make or break your relationship. And the other thing I learnt on Saturday? A candle light dinner at a posh restaurant, expensive gifts and materialistic dreams do not give you ultimate happiness and contentment in a relationship. It's quality time like this, which doesn't cost a single cent that's worth it all. Yes, it's nice to indulge in such treats once in awhile but to sustain in a relationship, you need much more than money. You need lots of love, laughter, smiles and quality time - all of which is absolutely F-R-E-E!

So go on people, spread your love. Haha!

Well, I wld love to go on writing but it's time for me to fight the monday blues, get my ass off my seat and to school. But don't you fret, I'll be back later on tonight to fill you up on my wonderful day on Sunday with not all but half of the Renga's Clan. Tata for now!

Monday, March 13, 2006
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And I sure do look like giant by his side * rolls eyes* but I really can't wait to have my very own. The question is when? 

Friday, March 10, 2006
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Yep, I know I'm not looking my best but that's besides the point - look at the cute little bundle of joy in my arms *awwwww* 

Friday, March 10, 2006
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Over at Teeby's place - gosh, it's been almost half a year since we hung out tog. That's how busy we've both been & moving to Lakeside didn't help a single bit! *gruff* 

Friday, March 10, 2006
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It's rather late and I can't get to sleep so I figured I might as well update my blog. Well, the last few days have been quite monotonous - tuitions, sch, slacking and back except for the part where I went to visit Teeb's really adorable new born nephew.

After econs lecture on Wednesday, I headed down to Jelita to get tickets for "Disney on Ice" with Senthil. It had been awhile since we hung out and he suggested accompanying me to get the tickets afterwhich I headed on down to Teeb's place at Queenstown and he, over to Commonwealth to play soccer with his friends. Since we were both heading the same way, I thought we might as well meet up. And so we did.

It's been some time since we last met. So much has happened. So much has changed. Both of us have got our new partners and were leading our own lives, yet there was never a day we never spoke. Everything feels so strange. Never did I imagine calling him my ex-bf, never did I imagine him confiding in me abt his new found relationship and me abt, Guna, never did I imagine we'd be civilized enough to come to terms with our break up and end up being best friends. As I think abt it as I type this entry, everything that's happened feels so surreal *sigh*.

We got the tickets and sat to have dinner at Jelita's Pizza Hut while we opened up abt our new other halves. Something abt the way he called HER 'my girlfriend' made my stomach churn. I tried to ignore the feeling but it refused to go away. Then, he showed me a picture of themselves which they took recently. Nope, he isn't insensitive. I asked for it though I know I shouldn't have. And my worst fears were realised - she was absolutely pretty. Very, very pretty if I say so myself, though at the bottom of my heart I so badly want to deny that hurtful fact. She was the total opposite of me. Slim, fair, gorgeous pair of eyes, beautiful smile and a perfect cut of face. All I wanted at that point of time, was to drop dead but of course, that was impossible. I kept a subtle smile plastered to my face and struggled to comment. In the end I came up with - "She's really sweet. You guys look great together" and I meant every word I said. Indeed, they looked perfect together.

He managed back a smiled and took the photo back from my hands. I told myself that I could do it, that I was strong enough to fight back the urge of crumbling but I failed. Failed terribly. My strength gave way and my tears took over. I tried to stop them from flowing but they refused. Just then, he took my hand and said the perfect words I needed to hear - "You know that u are the most beautiful woman inside out to me and no matter how pretty you may think she is, she can never be you. You know that she's an option only because you left and there is noone who can take ur place". I don't know if it was right of him to have said that, or right of me to even have expected him to console me in that manner but it felt like the only right thing at that point of time. Everything else felt so, so wrong.

You know, I really do hope that noone wld have to go through what I'm going through in my life right now. Knowing that your loved one is right beside you and not being able to have him is the worst feeling in the world. It can kill, it's that fatal and I think I'm dying day by day. I pretend to to be strong, I act as if everything is going on fine and that I'm taking it all in my stride but that's not the truth. That's utter bullshit.

I am fine but not happy. Just fine. I like Guna, alot, but do I love him the way I love Senthil? That question, is yet to be answered. Sometimes, I fool myself into believing that it's love with him but at other times, it feels more like affection. I smile but not from the heart, it's forced. The saddest part is that I never realised all these until I met him yesterday. I thought I had it going for me. I thought I was finally free from all the emotional trauma only to realise that it was simply buried, not thrown away. God, I'm going crazy! Somebody help me sort my thoughts!

After dinner, the journey back to our destinations was rather silent. Neither one of us said much. I didn't talk abt Guna as much as he did abt Rani. I asked him questions but he didn't. It's not as if Guna needed any introduction. They knew one another way back and I also knew that if given a chance, Senthil would want Guna dead so it was better remaining quiet abt him. He did attempt trying to look interested when I spoke abt Guna though but after being with him for 5 years, his mask, slips away from me. I can see through him as if he were transparent. He was the least bothered and I knew he was feeling jealous...

At the MRT station, as we were abt to head into different directions, he gave me a huge hug before saying good bye and that brought about another chain of reactions. This time, I hugged him back tight and squeezed my eyes shut for the fear of crying, once again. The security I felt with that hug, felt all so familiar. Just where has life brought me to? Why do these horrible, horrible things only happen to me? All I asked is to live a happy life with the one I truly love, was that too much to ask for?


I second the saying - Life is unfair!

As we said our byes and were abt to leave, he smiled sadly which tugged at my heartstrings and I walked away as fast as I could cos it wasn't much longer before I said or did something really stupid like - 'Let's just get back together. I don't care abt what's gonna happen".

It's painful when you leave someone not because you didn't love him/her anymore but because you had to for reasons you can't fight against.

I realized after yesterday that I had always lived a sheltered and protected life. I never knew what it was like to fall really hard and pick myself up. This is my first fall and it's a mighty fall, which I might have difficulty getting used to but sooner or later, I will. I'm picking up the pieces, still am. I'm guessing it's gonna take a while more but I will do it. I have to, simply because this is life, and it's meant to be lived. Simply because there is another person in my life who is waiting to give me all his love and is hoping for an opportunity from me.

As for Senthil, he's going to be remaining as the same special person he always was in my life and nothing or noone can ever change that and I'm thankful for Guna for coming to terms with that fact and having a big heart to understand and accept it.

I've surprised myself along the way with alot of things I've said and done, some of which I've even remotely dreamt of but I have. Seeing Senthil with another girl by his side besides me and accepting the fact, is a perfect example. I never thought I'd be able to do it but time made it possible. I'm choosing to believe that one day, I'll be whole heartedly in love with Guna and Senthil will no longer have the effect to make me cry but till then, this is how things are gonna be.

Time heals what reason can't.

- I want back my smile on my face -

Friday, March 10, 2006
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This was written in what little comfort a MRT train could give me, while I was on my way for tuition earlier. A little boy, prolly the age of 9, inspired me to get this entry started. As I rummaged through my bag for my notepad and a pen to write down my thoughts in the most conventional way, he whips out his slim, black Fujitsu laptop, switches it on and starts playing a rather strange game, while his friend looks on and gives him several pointers on how to get the demon killed.

Both were dressed smartly in their uniform, bespectacled and very smart looking. I'm pretty sure it doesn't just stop at looking smart. They were intellects and it showed so during the later part of the conversation which I eavesdropped on.

A asked B what sports he played to which B answered that he plays cricket with some kids who lives around his area. 'A' who was listening intently then said 'Why cricket? It's so old fashioned. Everyone here plays soccer and u play cricket?!' B, in a defensive tone replies "Well, it's a popular sport in India'. Good answer I say. Then 'A' says 'Well, if you say so. The sports statistics states that soccer is the most popular sport anyway' and they continue their rather interesting conversation which included topics on wireless internet connections and its pros and cons, sports statistics and if condominiums or flats made a better living arrangement. If you haven't already guessed, I was feeling extremely stupid next to these kids!

And if that wasn't enough, 'B' takes out a Motorola Razoa V3i (the lastest model of the phone which I was holding on to, only now), answers his phone call, said something abt being a few stops away from home to the person on the other line and nonchalantly slips it back into his pocket! Oh, and that brought another topic for the two to talk about. Starhub mobiles, their plans and disadvantages of prepaid cards. Issues kids discuss these days, woah, they really surprise me! I, only knew how to use the internet at the age of 16, got my very first handphone at the rather late age of 19 and knew abt prepaird card a year after that. Now, I feel really spastic! Or old!

What was the world becoming to?

One thing I knew for sure. I better be prepared to hear my child say "Yo mummy" during my delivery instead of expecting a loud wail or cry when he/she is being delivered into this world. And another thing that I've learnt from my train ride experience this afternoon; it's time we take these little kiddos seriously and stop to listen to them cos you'll simply never know when they'll give you the best pieces of advice, share the most interesting of news, tales or information even.

Kids, they never fail to amaze us!

Oh and since we're at the topic of kids I might as well just confess something. I've got a huge crush on my 13 year old tuition kid *grinz*

Tuesday, March 07, 2006
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Saturday - 04.06.2006

The weekend was spent with Guna and this is prolly the first time it's happened. I don't usually go out on a Sunday or at least try not make any plans on that day. It's solely reserved for some quality time with the family and only the family alone but this week was an exception.
The last time I saw Guna for the week that passed was the previous week's Saturday (got ya all confused?). The means it's been a whole week since I saw him and on Thursday, I received a sms which went - " I dunno if you feel it, but I do and I feel like I'm losing you. Not the way u perceive it but it's like you're not there. I know you're caught up with your handful of commitments and that I shld respect you on that but at the tiny corner of my heart, I can't help but wonder when I'll see you again. I miss you!"

Oooooooook, it was only then that it hit upon me! In my attempt to keep up with all my other commitments, I had neglected my boyfriend. One who was nice enough not to complain. But that has always been the case with me. When it came to prioritizing my life, boyfriends were never at the top of the list even though they are an integral part of my life. It really doesn't mean that I love him any lesser; it simply means that love is just a part of my life. It doesn't necessarily make up my whole life!

And I've told him that too and of course, he agrees with it whole heartedly. In fact, the both of us have always been busy with our own activities and had came to a mutual agreement that we'll meet up only when all of our other personal commitments have been fulfilled, but I guess the situation doesn't apply when one party becomes busier than the other and feels neglected by his/her other half.

Then I ask myself - Isn't he my commitment too? If so, then why do I not sense the need or the urgency to keep my obligations with him? The answer? Is simple; I take him for granted, which is something that I SO should not be doing! So to make up for all the lost time and for being a jack-ass gf I got up at 8am on Saturday, bought breakfast from Mac and took a cab down to his place. And I believe it made his day cos the look of surprise and tender love in his eyes, gave him away. I was glad that I was the reason for his smile for he is a reason for many of mine.

After breakfast, we met up with Ratna and Dinesh ( a couple friend of Guna's. Nice people). Did some shopping, hung ard for awhile, had dinner over a really hilarious conversation and decided that we'd do this again tomorrow. And on Sunday, the four of us met up to watch "Big Momma's House" afterwhich we shopped, played 'couple pool' (we won of course!) and headed down for dinner before ending the day. Yes, it wasn't anything special but it felt so, cos it was spent with him. So I guess that explains it all..

At the end of the day, it's good that the both of us do understand that though it's 2 different paths that we're treading, it's the same destination we hope to reach..

P/S: Sometimes, I feel really sad that there is someone who has the potential to take over Senthil place. Not that I didn't know that. I just didn't want it to happen. Sigh...

Monday, March 06, 2006
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Dancing gets you H.I.G.H! Yep, that's the theory that S.A.I.S.A.J.E.E.T.H.A the great has came up with and I have got quite a handful of people who can vouch for that. Heh.

Last night was my maternal uncle's 25th wedding anniversay. They call it the jubilee anniversary or something along that line and it was a BLAST! Without a doubt! I've never had that much fun in a long while and I'm still feeling the after effects of all that dancing last night. It's like I got drunk and high (it's not as if I know how it feels but I reckon it feels just like this). So that's why you have it - dancing gets you high!

Seeing happy, married couples like my aunt and uncle makes me believe in marriage even more so and it just re enforces the fact that love goes a long way (if u have the right ingredients to keep it alive all these while).

Anyway, the whole celebration was awesome and it instigated me to have one for my parents as well. Hmm, that's gonna be in 2 years time but I still wonder if it would be as exciting as my uncle's. Indeed Sivan's maternal side cousins R-O-C-K and erm, that kinda puts the Renga's clan to shame. We're kinda passive you see but hey, we did create an uproar during the dance floor and that was good enough, if I say so myself *hee*

And would you believe it? I actually managed to dance in a sari and it, without dropping off too. Hey, that's an achievement for someone like me, who cant even walk properly in a sari even though I've worn it quite a number of times.

Ooooo and how can I even forget - the highligh for the day! Sivan, who hardly wears anything feminine or dresses up in the 'girly' sense was in a SARI! Yep and I couldn't believe my eyes though I knew way before that she was gonna be wearing one since it was the dress code for the females. And did I mention? She looked S-T-U-N-N-I-N-G! My entire family was awed by her beauty last night *sajeetha drools*

Note to Sivan: So darling, now you know. Feminity suits you best! Go on, be encouraged to dress up and who knows, you might end up breaking millions of hearts. Muacks!

So yeah, that much for my Saturday evening. I could use more of those family gatherings in my packed lifestyle.Can't wait for the next big event in the family. I think it's gonna be daddy's 50th birthday celebrations! Yipee!

More fun in store..

Sunday, March 05, 2006
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I discovered several painful truths in the last few days; that i can trust NOONE. Not a single soul cos when they're put in an uncomfortable situation, they'd just blurt out your secrets just so they'd be seen as the one who knows alot in front of the crowd or simply to wiggle their way out of a sticky situation.

F.U.C.K.I.N.G. W.O.R.M.S!

From this second onwards, I ain't gonna trust noone. Not friends, not even boyfriend.

*after much thought* It just dawned upon me that's it really unfair to think the entire world is full of worms just because some begin to behave so. There are two people who've never betrayed my trust when it comes to the things I tell them.

Senthil & my sister.

Till this very second, secrets that I've told these two have been kept the way it's supposed to remain - as secrets and never have they used it against me.

Indeed, humans do exist too. Only two in my dictionary. The rest? I'm yet to figure them out!

Friday, March 03, 2006
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i've.got.a.problem.
i've.got.a.major.problem.

i.am.INTOLERANT!.
i.do.not.condone.any.behaviour.that.is.in.conflict.to.my.principles.values.thoughts.or.ideas.
i.am.highly.critical.

and for that very reason, i seem to be finding faults in every other person i know or come across.
but above all that, i fail to realise that i'm not perfect myself.

F.U.C.K!

Friday, March 03, 2006
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26.02.06 - Partings were never meant to be easy -

It seemed like forever in the train! The clock was ticking real fast and it was Kamini's last call. She HAD to check in so that she could board the plane on time and yet, both Vicky and I were a good 15 min away from the airport. My only source of consolation at that time, was of course having Guna by my side. But then again, even he was a little skeptical abt us seeing her before she went in.

NEVER in my life have I ever felt so damn nervous in anticipation. The thought of not seeing her before she leaves made my stomach churn. Vicky, was expressionless and swfully quiet, beside me. I was pretty sure she was feeling the same way as I did. Kamini was a part of her life, after all.

After what seemed like eternity, we finally reached the airport, dashed across terminal 2 to take the skytrain to terminal 1 and ran like crazy to Row 5, where she was supposed to check in. The entire place was prob looking at us but we seriously couldn't care less. The only thing in our minds was to be able to see her off, give a huge big hug and tell her that we're gonna miss her truckloads so she'd better get her ass back to Singapore as soon as possible. And yes, we did get to do that!

It's amazing how the last 3 month brought about a strong tie among the 4 of us - Jay, Kamini, Vicky and myself and how Kamini has grown to be a rather important part of my life. It's strange, these kinda things. U never really can put ya finger to it. Vicky & I got to know Jay thru Kamini, I got to know Kamini from Vicky. We are all from different cliques initially, yet we blended in great. That's friendship isn't it?

I doubt Kamini's gonna be reading but if she ever stumbles upon my page, I'd just want her to know that we love her to bits and can't wait to have her back with us once again. It's just not the same without you babe *hugs*!

After all that emotional goodbyes, Vicky, Jay, Guna and myself headed down to Tampines for dinner before heading back home for a brand new day w/o Kamini but only for awhile. Guna calls us the 4 musketeers. Haha!

Partings- be it temporary or permanent, never was easy and neither will it be. Ask me, I'll know better..

Kisses: Queen of Divine Insanity

Thursday, March 02, 2006
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