prologue

Name: Sajeetha
life is for living, need i say more?

*loves:
the family, him, them; my friends
anything arty farty, the literary arts, theatre
dolphins
travelling, always unfolding something new
dining in places with ambience to kill for (it's a hobby.hah)
r etail therapy
all things indian
enlightening conversations
candles
angels, fairie,pixies, gnomes, smurfs(br>

*loathes:
the one who stabs u in ur back
death of dear ones
all that flies or has wings
the complications of all types of relationships
not knowing
those who try so hard to be me

red/purple crumpler bag
new urban male jersey
new birks
that oh-so-gorgeous watch from esprit
that beautiful converse bag
a white i-pod nano
that new dgital camera which screams buy-me!
the bikini from billabong
a new pair of funky spectacles
truckloads of best-selling novels
a whole new art materials collection
a new wallet that fits the enormous card collection of mine

nady,the sweetie pie
vicky, the blur sotong
charlotte,the doctor in the making
sivanes, the smart-ass cuzzin
LV, the gorgeous pearly
sarah, the clubbing chica
sujatha, the indian actress look alike
nadia ameera, the lost pri sch mate who was found
lynette, the sports fanatic
hemma, the evil twin
vanessa, popular for all the wrong reasons

express

 

Foto Decadent
 

July 2005[x] August 2005[x] September 2005[x] October 2005[x] November 2005[x] December 2005[x] February 2006[x] March 2006[x] April 2006[x] May 2006[x] June 2006[x] July 2006[x] August 2006[x] September 2006[x] October 2006[x] November 2006[x] December 2006[x] January 2007[x]

As I write this entry, my hearts' ripping into a gazillion pieces and I just cannot seem to deactivate the stubborn tear glands of mine.
When 2006 was born, I made a resolution in regards to my blogging; that I was gonna attempt to make a fresh start this brand new year, leave all my sob stories behind and write about more happy stuffs. That this space was not only reserved for venting frustrations and letting out sorrows but one which held stories which wld make my readers smile, more often. Most importantly - less of SENTHIL.

i.had.to.move.on.no.matter.how.hard.it.was.going.to.be.

But today, the emotions that flood through my heart overrides my principles to keep up with my 'blog resolutions'. From the 18th till today, a series of stomach churning events have taken place and try as I might not to let it affect me it does. ALOT.

Senthil is attached. So are you, you may say. Of course but the heart simply can't accept the fact nor does the mind want to register what I had heard. It's just that he has been saying these stuff abt how he's never going to love another after me, a new relationship was the last thing on his mind & bla, bla, bla. So when he called to share the news abt his new relationship status, I was taken by total surprise. But the fact that it wasn't who I'd expected, took me by shock! I had prepared myself for Ranjani cos things between them definitely seemed to be heading towards the direction of love. I thought I knew Senthil but it's only now that I realise that I never knew him at all. And that, bring another tear to my eye.

So we come back to his new gf. He nonchalantly said he was attached and refused to provide me with any more details. I felt like I needed some answers for some very important questions, none of which he gave. I screamed, shouted and cried myself to sleep.

I really dunno how to pen my innermost feelings down. Some of you wld know where I am coming from, others would perceive me as a selfish bitch who wanted her ex bf all to herself even though she was attached to another. Sigh, how do I tell you??? Guna makes me happy, makes me smile but he's yet to touch the inner core of my being. Furthermore, relationships aren't always abt smiles and laughter. It goes way deeper. Sometimes, knowing that Senthil was still a part of my life makes me feel that everything is going to be alright. Knowing that I could run to him at the slightest of problems gave me immense security. Somehow, Guna haven't given me that. YET. Yes, the emotional availability that Lynette mentioned in her blog, it's very, very important.

Sheesh, I'm losing track of what I've said so far.

For a good 2 days, I refused to answer any of his phone calls or reply to his messages and finally my resistance gave way yesterday. We spoke and this time, I confessed that I too, was attached. Now it was his turn to fly into a rage (but this time, I remained quiet cos I knew how exactly he was feeling. It was evident). I dunno where this is going to end up, but for as long as we speak I doubt we'll ever get over one another. Everything's in a mess. I'm caught up in a web of emotional turmoil. I just want a huge hole to swallow me up.

There has been no end to this arguments, tears and fighting with Senthil. Every day, it's the same old thing. The past is brought back constantly, we analyse the same situation over and over again and hang up saying the same things - that we'll both never speak again only to have him calling me back the very next day.

When is this gonna come to an end? Or will it?

Save me from this shit before I drown in my own sorrows! Yikes!

Saturday, February 25, 2006
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