prologue

Name: Sajeetha
life is for living, need i say more?

*loves:
the family, him, them; my friends
anything arty farty, the literary arts, theatre
dolphins
travelling, always unfolding something new
dining in places with ambience to kill for (it's a hobby.hah)
r etail therapy
all things indian
enlightening conversations
candles
angels, fairie,pixies, gnomes, smurfs(br>

*loathes:
the one who stabs u in ur back
death of dear ones
all that flies or has wings
the complications of all types of relationships
not knowing
those who try so hard to be me

wishlist


red/purple crumpler bag
new urban male jersey
new birks
that oh-so-gorgeous watch from esprit
that beautiful converse bag
a white i-pod nano
that new dgital camera which screams buy-me!
the bikini from billabong
a new pair of funky spectacles
truckloads of best-selling novels
a whole new art materials collection
a new wallet that fits the enormous card collection of mine

fellows


nady,the sweetie pie
vicky, the blur sotong
charlotte,the doctor in the making
sivanes, the smart-ass cuzzin
LV, the gorgeous pearly
sarah, the clubbing chica
sujatha, the indian actress look alike
nadia ameera, the lost pri sch mate who was found
lynette, the sports fanatic
hemma, the evil twin
vanessa, popular for all the wrong reasons

express


 


 Foto Decadent
 

{bygone}


 July 2005[x] August 2005[x] September 2005[x] October 2005[x] November 2005[x] December 2005[x] February 2006[x] March 2006[x] April 2006[x] May 2006[x] June 2006[x] July 2006[x] August 2006[x] September 2006[x] October 2006[x] November 2006[x] December 2006[x] January 2007[x]
















Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Ooooook, I can't make out the guidelines for my HRM assignment and try as I might, nothing's getting into my head. Lynn's yet to come online and the waiting's killing me so I've decided to come in here to utilise my so-very-precious time in the most efficent manner possible - writing. Well, not technically but yea, somewhere along the line, blogging.

Let us see... Nothing very exciting happened since my birthday party unless you consider my day out with Guna yesterday as one and of course our major conversation which took place the night before last.. Sigh!

Mister Gunaraj, being the "BEST" friend tt he is, thought I shld take a break from my hectic schedule, suggested we watch a movie and a tamil movie at that. And so we went in the aniticipation to either watch 'Anniyan" (which Guna already watched & said he wldn't mind watching it a 2nd time cos the silly goose me, still haven't) or "Chinna" (which I suggested cos my aunty said it was a great movie and Senthil said I reminded him of Sneha's character in tt film). So what actually happened there, u wanna know dun you???

Our smart friend Gunaraj, forget to check if those movies were still playing and it so happened they apparently were NOT! I cld have killed him then and there but I stopped myself cos I loved his mum and I wouldn't wanna deprive her of her only son! Aiyoh, he's such a cuckoo! And so we settled for some undofied movie called " Oru Naal oru kanavu" and seriously comtemplated further suicide after exiting the theatre - WARNING: THAT MOVIE SUCKED ROTTEN AND IF U HAD ANY BRAINS AT ALL, YOU WOULDN'T WASTE YA MONEY ON IT LIKE THE BOTH OF US!"

It was such a major waste of time and I cld have kicked myself for it. 10 bucks, gone, just.like.that! Oh well, I still had fun with him though, his usual antics and jokes which never fail to liven me up. Oh and tt motherly figure shit he's been saying, it's all crap. He was just trying to associate me with the damn hippo from Madagascar (he thinks the hippo is motherly), so he called me tt the other night *evil glare*

And ard late evening, Senthil & I went to visit a friend and her baby @ Commonwealth. It's been long since I even associated with Senthil's friends, who were once a very significant part of my life and I just thot it was childish to refrain from everyone and everything.. so we went. Sathya is a gorgeous baby and I couldn't bear to leave the place when it was time to go.
Sigh.. both Senthil & I were playing with him and it all just seemed so emotional, it brought a tear to my eye. I envisioned, us, me and him, together in the future, with our own child and cried. I cried for a future which was never gonna happen, I cried for a love which was not gonna succeed. I simply cried....

I dunno wad I'm doing. Really. I don't. My life's taking a toll on me, leaving me clueless and undecided. I've got a past (Senthil) which I can't hold on to even if I wished for it, I've got a future (Suren) waiting for me which I can't refuse and I've got a present (Guna) which I couldn't muster enough guts to try for the fear of failing wld cripple me. Yes. Guna. He has now become an subject of love. Alright, maybe not tt strong but like? I wish I cld tell you what's gg on and what's been happening but it's all too complicated and subjective, I can't seem to find the right choice of words to convey my msg.

26 August, brought abt a change. For the better or worse, I don't really know. Again, time has become my enemy for only it has the power to decide my fate.

I cant let go of Senthil at the same time I cant hold on to Guna. Sometimes I feel tt Suren shouldn't even be in the picture. I don't feel anything at all for him. See, Guna & I have been inseperable FRIENDS for almost a yr plus and throughout the mths we have shared our pains, laughter, sorrows, miseries and happiness. Over the period of time, he evolved from a gd friend to a companion whose presence never faltered. He was there from my pre breakup period to my post breakup period and even after that he's still here... He saw me through it all and eventually, like Wicky boy he became my anchor of support, only tt we shared more in common than Wicky boy.

Even Senthil, the one I thought will always be there, left but never did Guna. This made me appreicate his presence in my life further. I knew of ALL the girls he dated, the stuff which went beyond the screens, his gd & bad habits, his lies and cheeky laughter to mask it, his ego & pride, his good heart behind tt care-less attitude and wad not. To the extent, pple started spreading untrue facts abt us dating till it matured into one of being lovers. Haha, makes me wanna laugh.. cos till tt very moment, what we both had was purely platonic, no matter what the world had to say.

But now, at this point in time, after gg through so much together, I dunno what to call the relationship we share anymore. Things aren't tt platonic anymore and I sense it. I wondered if he did too. We speak each night, it's been a year and we're still at it. I know abt all his whereabouts and he knows mine. His parents know me and mine knows him. The first person he calls when he awakes is me and the last person he speaks to before he dozes off is also me. I'm the only other girl he goes out or hangs out with alone tho the same cannot be said for me (I'll go into that later) and so on. And then it occurred to me?

Is this really how a guy-gal friendship really is? Or is there something more to it than it meets the eye? I started questioning myself. Was I in denial? People were starting to tell me tt we were like bf and gf and that we fought like one and spoke like one (NO! We have NEVER been lovey dovey or wahtsoever if that's wad u're wondering. We're very decent pple). Did these pple see something tt we both failed to realise? Was that why Senthil was irritated with the relationship I share with Guna cos he sensed the same thing? Was tt why he kept accusing me of being in love with Guna and claimed tt was the reason I was so aloof and distant from him?

I've never had a gd guy friend in the times I was with Senthil, the past 5 years. So I never really knew how it was like to have a best male friend and if this was really how it was supposed to be. I know there aren't any Acts or guidelines on how a co-ed friendship is meant to be but there must be some form of consensus, no? I'm lost but the answers to my questions I found, later that night of my birthday.

Yes, he did feel something for me. Strange but I wasn't surprised tt it came out of him so easily but what surprised me even further was the fact, that I might be feeling the same way too. So what do I do now? I freaked out. I told myself and him that I wasn't gonna analyse wad we are now and where we're gonna be heading. I love what we share now and it's gonna be called companionship and I think it's gg to remain tt way for a long time. But will it? Will it withstand a friendship and test of time, now tt feelings have been disclosed? Can a friendship which has been tainted by love still remain tt pure? Yet again, so many unanswered questions...

Then we come to Senthil. He's become all that I want now and I can't help feeling that it's all comin a tad too late. Why? Why? Why must you always lose me to cherish me? The feeling isn't the same, strong one which I used to feel and I can only blame him for making me feel so. His actions pushed me right into another man's arms (not literally) and it's all his fault! I've got only my tears to spare... I can't believe tt the Senthil I thought I couldn't live without might one day be replaced by another man. Not Guna, maybe somebody else. I never ever thought I can love another but now it all seems so confusing.. I'm afraid of what I've become. I feel like I've wronged him. I of all people shouldn't be this heartless.

I believed that I was different. I wasn't like all the other girls who said they will never fall for another but within months were hooking up with someone else. I loved Senthil like no other and will remain faithful always. Wasn't tt what Sajeetha was all about? Is this what Senthil felt when he was torn to make a decision between Auma & me? Was this how his heart was ripped? Am I going through the same emotional roller coaster ride as he had? Are we both the same?

Gosh, if that was true then I too, am a heartless jerk for those were the very same words I used on Senthil when he poured out his feelings abt Auma & him during those days.. our pre breakup stages. I called him a manipulative worm, a cheap guy who didn't know how to draw a line btw friendship and love. Now what am I doing? I'm in the exact same state, not knowing what to do. These happened to other people, not to Sajeetha. Sajeetha never made irresponsible decisions, wld never let her emotions slip in that fast. I'm supposed to love only one... I wasn't the type who'd let my emotions fly all over, I was confident and knew just where I belonged.

But now, I'm not too sure anymore.. I'm human after all..


Sometimes I wonder if I'm finding for Senthil in Guna. A million other pple have mistaken Guna to be Senthil n tt includes my parents (haha). They're both tall and dark and skinny (hee), they're both equally funny and are prolly the only 2 guys who can make me laugh, they're both very, very nice to pple and they're both equally sociable. Their downsides differ but alot of things are so similar it sometimes scares me. I dunno, I feel like a 2 timing bitch at this point in time. Yes I know I'm not in a relationship with Guna but now it's become complicated. I dun tell Senthil of Guna's presence and I try not to mention Senthil's presece to Guna cos I can't bear to hurt their feelings. One is a love I cant bear to leave, one is a love I cant bear to take..

What am I to do?????? I tried explaining to Senthil abt how I felt towards Guna and he went nuts hearing only a little from me. I couldn't bear to hear him cry and left it at tt, telling him I was just playing afool to see his reaction. I tell Guna the situation I'm in, he goes all silent and quiet on me, refusing to take in the details. D-E-N-I-A-L! That's what all the 3 of us are in and really dunno who posseses the power to make things right.

I m going mad and that's abt all I know.

Sigh... I've never been so open abt my feelings in the entire time I blogged but something inside of me triggered me off tonight and I couldn't stop. Besides, Uma, Vicky, Lavi, Sree and Deepa and the rest who I gave my password to, I've only decided to pen my thoughts down cos I trust these very pple and know tt they won't judge me based on wad they read. To the rest, who cracked my password are a low lying kapo, I seriously don't care but just dun let me find out.

Sree, I dunno y but I've got this weird notion tt u might be understand what I'm gg through. Sigh.... do you??



Wednesday, August 31, 2005
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